Online Dating Hating

Hello? Is there anyone out there? It’s me… Stella. Do you guys even remember which one of us is Stella? Well, you’ll catch on soon enough if you have forgotten. It has been sooo long. A year, really? Has it really been a year? Guess it has been a pretty busy and hectic year with no time left for blogging. But what can I say? I am just in the mood. (As Loki would want to point out at this point, apparently my moods can last up to a year. Loser.) I bet you guys have missed this bright orange screen. I thought about updating it, but thought it might loose some of its old familiar appeal. Anyhow, as you all know, over the course of this past year, I have found the love of my life. I have moved away to be with him and we are living as a happy little family with our puuuuurfect fairy tale ending. Oh, and I’m expecting our first son in April!!!!

Yes, it is too bad that none of that is true. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I am in exactly the same spot that we left off at. No man in my life. No dates. No suitors. Alone. Lonely. And getting older every single day. WAH!

Maybe I just really wanted someone to listen to me gripe today… So here it goes. The reason why I am still single. And of course, it’s so obvious. I don’t go anywhere to meet men. Unfortunately, men do not come into my work. If they do, they are accompanied by their wife and children and I stare and look at them longingly. I suppose I could switch career paths in hopes of meeting a single man, but alas, that’s just too much work. For me. Who doesn’t want to work. Continuing on with number one, there are no single men at my church. This is supposed to be the PERFECT place to meet a ‘Godly’ man, but no. (There happens to be one single man left, but I am sad to say that I am just not attracted to him. For Saucy, this is great news as she thinks he is da bomb. Her words, not mine.) Again, I don’t know where I could possibly meet a decent man. In a bar? No. I don’t drink and I don’t want to be hit on by men who are drinking. "Hi, nice to meet you. I see you have three shots of whiskey there. Do you want to be the spiritual leader for my family?" Call me crazy but this just seems to be a problem. So much so that I find myself walking around Walmart looking up and down the aisles. Is he in here? Nope. That definitely ain’t him. Maybe I should try Lowe’s… a grocery store? This is how people meet in shows… Nope. I’ve tried. He’s not out shopping.

So I started thinking… Where and how am I going to meet a man? I can’t even find one man to even say hello too. Singular. One man. Hello. That would be a start. And let me just tell you how much I just love hearing married people’s advice. “You don’t PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE!” they scold me. Where exactly is this wonderful place I'm supposed to be putting myself? Please, let me know. Out on the side of the street? Is that what they are referring to? And of course, I tried the whole blind date thing and we all know how that turned out. Everyone’s next go-to answer is, “You should try online dating!” “Why yes!” I say back. “That’s a great way to meet a stalker or serial killer. Just what I’m looking for!” I mean, anyone who has ever taken a class on Dangerous & Violent Offenders knows the kinds of crazy people out there. When it comes to strangers, it’s always good to be a little paranoid, right? Right??!!

So I keep waiting… and waiting.. and waiting… ho hum ho hum. I run a marathon. Ho hum… Where is he? Still waiting… (Sorry, I just wanted to throw that part in there since no one has written an entire blog on how wonderful I am in over a year either and I have ran a marathon!) Then I realize. I’ve been single for 3 years. And it’s been over a year since I went on a date. Even the gay home decorators on HGTV are starting to look attractive… THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS A REAL PROBLEM.

So I came to the conclusion that since my number one problem was not being able to meet a man, I should just try the online dating thing and see if I can find/see a man that looks worthwhile or interesting. And that way, I can at least tell people to shut up when they suggest it to me.

Not knowing which dating service to chose, I go with Christian Mingle.com. Why? It's free and I figure I can eliminate all the liberal/Satan worshipping single men right away. So I click on the link and begin to create a login. And it is humiliating. Oh my. What am I doing? Has it really come to this? I start clicking through the pages of my profile. Describe Yourself. What are you looking for in a partner? Oh geez. I can not really be doing this. I type in, “I’m skipping this part for now…” And go on. I figured that men don’t care about what the women have to say. They are just looking at the pictures. So I click to add some photos.

Now trying to decide which picture you look your absolute best in is quite tricky. Do I want to look like a teenager by posting a snazzy self-portrait taken with my cell phone in my car? Or do I want to do a whole body shot like ‘just look at my body and not my face' ? Should I include my child? Should I crop out a little more of my arm so that it looks slimmer? So whatever. I add some photos. No men have even looked at me in years so what do I care about what these online nerds think about me? By this point, I’m very discouraged. This is plain embarrassing. Then before I know it, my inbox starts popping up notifications.

Now apparently flirting works differently in the online dating realm. You stalk someone’s picture/profile down and afterwards if you like what you see you can A. Send them an instant message to chat if they’re online. B. Send them an email/message. C. Send them a “Smile.” I guess sending someone a smile is like letting them know you are interested without having to fully put yourself out there with written words. And to my surprise, I start getting smiles sent to me. "Whoa, buddy. I’m hot stuff," I start thinking to myself. Then I make the mistake of looking to see who was sending me these wonderful, self-esteem boosting smiles. Oh My Gosh.

　

Yes, ladies. It was THAT bad. Most of these doofuses are from none other than our great state. Most of them are 23-45. And all…. Oh, so…. Unattractive. Suddenly I start feeling super… superficial. Maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe I should look past those 80 extra lbs or that …. Face…. More than one man had posted their profile pic as their family's church directory photo. Him being a grown man with his two parents. Isn't it my duty to let them know this is a bad, bad idea? Someone should help them. I start reading some of the profile info for these fellers. One guy only wanted a fellow teacher wife so that they could have the same days off. Way to be specific, dude. Another one filled it out like his job application. “I am a very motivated and career oriented person.” I felt the need to ask him if he ever was in a situation where there was a conflict with a coworker or customer and how he handled it… A lot of them wrote things about Jesus and God and that’s all great. I just couldn’t help but laughing at all the other self-promoting things they wrote about themselves .. or just the weird random things they shared about themselves.

Here is one example:

“Well, I'm really not sure how to begin. I am a very faithful white man I love the lake (mainly on my boat), I love to ride my motorcycle, I love going out to eat (I cant cook), I don't do drugs, I love kids (but have none of my own). Kinda would like to have my own but not a requirement. ha ha. I lovemusic and movies. Walks are great after dinner. I have a great job, transportation, my own home, motorcycle, and boat. I don't wanna quick hook-up for sex. I am single but I don't need a woman. I just would like to have one to share my life with. The woman I do end up will never be lonely, I'll be there for her through anything. I am very affectionate. Love to snuggle up on the couch and watch movies.”

Yep. Here he is. After all this time. The man of my dreams. White man who can’t cook, loves to snuggle, and owns transportation. Hah.  The following is another man’s description on what he wanted in a woman:

“I want the type of girl who would work 2 jobs as a single mom and still spend all of her freetime with her child, putting friends and family first above her self,sacrificing sleep and time to help someone in need. A girl who likes to have fun, she will try almost anything but she knows when something else is more important. must like bikes,lol jk must not be bipolar,selfish or stuck up I have met very few girls who fit this and sadly they got away. think you have what it takes?”

Uh, no. For one thing, your run-on sentences and lack of correct punctuation are a complete turn-off. And work two jobs? Are you crazy?! Not to mention he thinks you should sacrifice sleep. Hey buddy, sleep is the one good thing I get to enjoy in life. I agree that I’d also like a companion who is not bipolar, self or stuck-up but isn’t that kind of a random grouping of qualities?

Then after I had been browsing for awhile, I started getting emails as well. Unfortunately, you can’t view these emails without paying a fee. Yep, $30 a month. So much for being free. Uh, no thanks. But the subject lines were interesting nonetheless. “Hi.” “Hey” “WOW!” “I so get that!” and “Wow.” Again, I really appreciate the wow’s. Keep them coming. So I start to just imagine that the emails would read something like this:

“WOW! Are you really single? It is probably too good to be true. You are so gorgeous! I have never seen a more beautiful woman. What the heck are you doing on a dating website? I feel like I just won the lottery. Please, please, please give me a chance!”

I even imagine that one of them might even include a marriage proposal… It was then decided that pretending what these corny emails say was probably better than actually reading them. So I decided to not invest in the full membership package. I’ll save my thirty bucks for a new shirt to wear to work… (that no man will ever see.)

Another activity you can participate in is the “Color Code” quiz so when your name pops up, others can see what personality/temperament you have. I took this quiz for research purposes only. Because I truly believe I am a rainbow… a beautiful, shining array of all the colors in the world. But really, I am a BLUE personality.

And here is what I learned:

As a BLUE, you will often sacrifice a great deal of time, effort, and/or personal convenience to develop and maintain meaningful relationships throughout your life. BLUES seek opportunities to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated, especially by their partner. Everything you do as a BLUE has to be quality-based, or you won't do it at all. You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. BLUES have distinct preferences and are the most controlling of the four personalities, although they may not acknowledge (or even realize) the fact. Now here's a handsome fella in blue.

Yes, yes. These are all great things. But where exactly are the attractive men?! Then I discovered that you can track who has ‘added you as a favorite.’ This alone just creeps me out. You added me as a favorite? As in you are going to stalk me and try to find out where I live and come cut me up to store in your freezer to eat down in your basement when you think the world is ending? Oh heck no. Right about that time I get a chat request from someone named ‘McGrizzly’ and I think, “No freaking way! I’m not about to talk to some weirdo online.” Haha. Yep. Kinda defeats the whole point in online dating, I know. But I'm not doing it. However, instead of immediately deleting my account, I figured that I would give it one good solid week. One good week of creeping through stranger's pictures, reading their thoughts and their every heart’s desires listed out for anyone to see... So yes. I have looked through hundreds of photos with no one striking my fancy. The most attractive man that sent me an email was from Arkansas. No offense, but I’m not moving Arkansas so it's not even worth reading. And again, can I just reiterate that none of them cared that I didn’t write anything about myself. But I figure that I got about a 30% approval rating. Which doesn’t matter anyway since it just means that a bunch of men that I find completely unattractive find me attractive. Conclusion: This is NOT ever going to work. Like, EVER. I feel like I am waiting on a train that’s never coming… Until then, I will just go sulk with my new Taylor Swift c.d. and stare up at the ceiling fan.


284 views

25 emails

44 smiles

5 added you to Favorites

Online Dating: FAIL



 Now go out and vote tomorrow!