Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Batman Begins

The following message is being brought to you by Batman, our dear brother, who has been sentenced to working in the back room due to his job related injuries... where he sits and reads books and has resorted to sending out wacky email memos to fellow co-workers. The names in this email have not been changed (since we don't know who his friend, Chance, is to begin with... )

You want to know something that bothers me Chance? People. People bother me. Someone in particular bothers me more then you, and i understand that is hard to believe, but its true. I wont name names because it is possible for him or her or it to somehow track this information down, even if i do send it all encypted like. Alright, fine. I'll name him or her just once, but you cant let anyone know i told you that he bothers me or he might seriously kill me. After all, he does have a liscense to kill. James Bond. but SHH..i dont want him finding out. He thinks I like him and want to hang out with him, it's so annoying. I cant say no to the guy for obvious reasons, the whole killing part of his life kind of scares me. He could do some serious damage to me all the way up to killing me and there would be zero consequences for him according to the court of law. So no matter what he wants to do, I have to say yes. And the worst part is, he takes me to horrible places. LIke the other day, he calls me up and tells me, not asked, tells, to go to the airport, he has his private jet waiting for me and my wife to fly down to Hawaii to meet up with him and one of his many women. Of course, i have to go, and so does my wife even though we both hate going to places like Hawaii. He even has the nerve to pay for the whole stupid trip. Girls in bikinis, everywhere, including my wife who gets brain washed into thinking she was going to have a good time. There he was, on the beach, surronded by models, telling me to go surf with him. Yeah freaking right James Bond, like i want to surf in Hawaii with you, but out of fear, i said yes. Next thing i know, i look over and some Hawaiian dude is talking to my wife and i flip out cuase he is trying to put his hands on her. POP!!!!!!!!!! HE SHOOTS THE DUDE IN THE HEAD!!!!! Are you kidding me at this point? I was just going to go talk to the dude and explain to him that this particular woman is taken at the moment, go talk to the hundreds of other bikini girls and he would of said, my bad, your wife is really really really hot, the hottest one here, you are a lucky guy and would have moved on. But no, mr. license to kill doesnt give him a chance to do that. Granted, we found out later that the dude talking to my wife was trying to put a tracking device on her so he could find out his "hide out" to take out Bond when he was asleep. The dumb russian spy, we are staying in the hotel, dummy. Anyways, some how he knows all of this and shoots the dude on site. The Hawaiian police give him a medal or something for his bravery. HOW BRAVE IS IT TO SHOOT SOMEONE FROM 100 YARDS AWAY? NOT BRAVE AT ALL!!! Of course, i have to give the speech at his acceptance dinner later on this week back in Hawaii. GOSH! I am tired of that place. I am tired of getting served my drinks and food on the beach by beautiful waitresses that flirt with not only me, but my wife, who seems to enjoy flirting back.

Another quick example of people bothering me is somebody different. You. Thats right, but not for any of the reasons above with Mr. James. (he makes me call him Mr. James, how dumb is that). There are several, several reasons why you bug me, but this e-mail will only share one of the reasons why. The thing that bothers me is.................when you hit reply and send this enitre e-mail back to me. You dont take the time to just highlight the entire thing and press delete, you just hit reply and think i want to see my e-mail that i just sent to you back in my inbox, like i want to read it over again.You dont see me sending back to you what you just wrote to me, now do you? I have this e-mail, it will be in my outbox incase i want to see how funny i am again, i dont need it back in my inbox. Also, you dont take the time to put your own subject in the subject line. It will read RE:People bother me. But you didnt come up with this topic, you didnt write about this subject, you are merely commenting on the retarded story i just sent you. If you wanted to add to the dumbness that is going on right now, change the subject line to best fit what you are writing about at that time. if you wanted to tell me what kind of people bother you, thats fine, "people bother me TOO" or "also" would work right there. That would be putting your own personal mark on a simple e-mail that you are sending back to me. Okay, now that i have gotten that out of the way. Good day to you and tell Austin that he doesnt get e-mails anymore becase he doesnt reply and you do. But hold on just a sec, dont get the wrong idea here. I very much enjoy recieving e-mails from you. When i open up my e-mail and see INBOX (1), my heart skips a little, not going to lie. So, if it suits you, then please continue on commenting on the no common sense B.S. (Bachelor of SCIENCE) and tell me what bothers you if you'd like.

People bother me, and that is why.

The End.



  1. As much as I LOVE Batman and most often laugh at everything he does or says (because he is my son and I think he is so wonderful) I still think his emails need to stay between him and Chance and are not really "sister banter" material. I had a hard time reading this made up James Bond story and his ramblings about people bothering him. I think this is good for him to email and have someone to "banter" to in his own Batman way. But I am not sure if your readers will follow his lovely and wonderful made up story telling! ha/ha :)

  2. What nana bess? I loved it. I loved the made up james bond story. Batman has a sense of humor and surely entertains his subordinates. I find it funny... keep on keep on.

    PS batman did not submit this for sister banter but Stella decided it would be a good break from our ramblings/arguing. Give the readers something different.

  3. I didn't follow this at ALL!! I was like what?? Batman and Blondie went to Hawaii?!?!?! Huh?! Poor batman stuck back in the closet:( I guess I would make up outlandish stories too if I were in his place. Used to do it in church with Saucy until Cookie kept giving us dirty looks:((((