Love Bites

Loki: I don’t understand people who allow themselves to get hickeys. That’s right- those big bruise looking things on your neck caused by breaking the blood vessels in your skin. I say “ALLOW” because that’s exactly what you are doing. No one just "accidently" gets or gives a hickey. It is a meditated idea; it is not an act of passion. I’m rather replused when I see one… especially on the neck of my baby brother. Yes, I realize that he is a man of 19 now and no longer a baby, but in my eyes he will forever be 4 years old. (Stella at least has him frozen in time at 10.) Actually, both of my brothers have shown up at family functions with big bruises on their necks, and there was no turtle neck wearing either trying to hide it! I think they were displaying their love bites proudly. At least Batman is married so I guess that makes it slightly better that it was his wife sucking on his neck. But The Man Child doesn’t even have a girlfriend (that anyone is aware of anyway.) I think The Man Child was just trying to prove to everyone that he is no longer a baby! But that’s what I think he is, and really it’s just like allowing a baby to suckle on your neck. Seriously, my Baby Blue tries to give me a hickey all the time!

Stella: First of all, did you just say SUCKLE? How can you not like saying breast, but are okay with the word suckle? Gross. And that’s exactly what this whole thing is to me- GROSS. In my head, my baby brother is still in the 5th grade, like Loki said. And 5th graders should not have hickeys on their necks! Being the classy person that I am, I would never want to give or receive a hickey. And I am 26! So I think we are in agreement here. When you get/give a hickey it is your intent to show to others off that someone has found you so appealing that they wanted to suck on your flesh. I laughed at the use of the word “meditated” though. That just makes me think you’re planning a murder or a serious crime. And hickeys are not a crime… But maybe they should be!

Loki: Yes, they should be! So who is this girl sucking on our brother’s neck? (I’m okay with the word “suckling” because it just makes me think of vampires, and vampires make me happy!) And I also hear it was his "friend"..ya know the bad vampire, Victoria (Sorry, I can’t help it that I reference Twilight so much.) But I no longer wish to discuss my brother’s neck or his vampire friends. The Man Child does tend to do everything Batman does so maybe he was just following suit. You know how they are all little clones of our father. But I don’t remember Dad ever sporting a hickey. Eww, let’s not go there either. I’m done with this topic... NEXT!

Do you let your loved one (or random Vampires) suckle on you? Please don't really answer.

PUMP IT UP

Loki: I knew that when I chose to breastfeed my Baby Blue that I would also I have to pump when I went back to work. At first I was confused as to where this would take place in the office. I thought I was going to have to sit on the bathroom floor for an hour each day pumping. That would be awkward for people who just needed to go pee. "Uh, sorry. I'm still not done in here!” (Did you know that by law your employer has to supply you a place to pump in private other than the bathroom?) Not to mention the walls in the office are paper thin and you would be able to hear that lovely "HeeeHa, HeeHa" sound the breast pump makes. So since we work in an old historical house that has been converted into an office, there is a basement downstairs that used to be a small apartment. But it is like a loft space, which means there are no doors. There is a section that you can be closed off with one of those accordion divider walls… which works nicely because there is an outlet and a couch on the other side. However, the refrigerator is also included in that enclosed space.

So now that you have heard all about where I have to go to extract milk for my beloved child, I can not tell you how many times my boss, Plugs, comes down there while I am pumping. (Plugs is Sparky's dad who is supposed to be retired and moving on with his life, but work is his life so that is impossible for him to do.) He will knock on the partition and ask if he can come in because somehow there is always something in the fridge that he needs to get to IMMEDIATELY. No, he can't just wait for 20 minutes until I am done. Do you know how mortifying it is to talk to your 70 year old boss while your boobs are hanging out getting sucked on by a pump? Seriously. He asks if he can come in like he doesn’t know what I am doing down here.

Stella: He is just an impatient old man who lives in his own world. Although he should take 2 seconds to stop and think about what you may actually be doing in there. What does he need out of the fridge anyway? The pack of cokes he stuck in there and labeled "Do not drink- Management" as if we don't all know who they belong to???

Loki: It's even more awkward when the boss man Sparky comes downstairs for his shower (after going to the gym in the morning- see previous blog on this topic) because this always happens to be around the same time as my morning pump. So we are both down there in the basement... me pumping and him showering... only a few partitions in the way. I really don’t know which one is more uncomfortable- being barged in on by Plugs or listening to Sparky getting clean for the day. Needless to say, it is getting a bit ridiculous.

Stella: What's ridiculous is that I am upstairs trying to concentrate on important matters while all this is going on! Listening to the running water of the showers and noise of the breast pump... How am I supposed to work in this environment? I can't even begin to concentrate! (Okay, I really can't hear the pumping but I'm still like to rant about this showering business, and my work is so easy to do it doesn't require much concentrate. Really none at all.)

Loki: Well, it is a good thing that Sparky has a wife who is also breastfeeding right now so he actually gets it unlike his dad. But that doesn’t mean he needs to tell people about it! I came up from one of my pump sessions, and while I was out he had told someone who was looking for me what I was really doing. Ummm... that’s not very professional! (By the way, the person he told was an old cranky woman who doesn't have children, and she thought it was TMI!) Can I just say b feeding—I don’t like using the word breast so much...

Stella: Maybe you should say milk jugs instead of breast. That is indeed what they are.


Our question of the day was going to be: what kind of milk do you like? Chocolate? Strawberry? Plain? Or fresh from the breast?

But instead, for our official 10th post celebration, here is a random Sam Bradford sighting at the airport!!! Can I get a what what?!

Status Update

Loki: So I went to a pool party with some friends from high school this weekend. I haven’t seen most of them since high school, (which has almost been 10 years now,) but I am friends with most of them on Facebook. So the conversation was tricky because I had to listen to them talk and then ask the appropriate follow up questions.. But the whole time I’m thinking to myself, “I already know this… You put it on facebook last week…”

In fact, I know more about them now than I did in high school! I just don’t know how you are supposed to act when you already know exactly what they are talking about. They would ask me silly questions like “Oh, is this your baby?” Well, yeah, don’t you look at my facebook albums and the millions of pictures I post of her? But maybe they don’t stalk other people online like I do! Maybe they actually only update their own profiles and never look at the newsfeed that tells you about everything that is going on in everyone’s lives! Or maybe they just “hide” me because I’m the annoying person they are tired of reading about on their feed!

Stella: Hmm.. Well if you didn’t pretend like you didn’t know what they were talking about then every response would have been “yeah, I saw that on facebook” or “yes, I read about that on fb.” Then they wouldn’t even want to waste time talking to you because they would know what a horrible loser you are sitting online all day stalking people on fb! Haha. Just kidding. Facebook is an addicting thing… I read that out of every 3 minutes spent online, at least 1 minute is spent on fb or some statistic like that that is supposed to shock you and let you know what a worldwide phenomenon it is. But when you do sit in front of a computer all day long at work, you can’t help but wondering if someone post something new for you to look at! You just have to pretend that you don't have time to look at it very much... You are much too important than that!

Also, I think that fb will make high school reunions obsolete. Why would you need to go when you can already see what people look like- who got fat- who got fake boobs- who had kids and needs fake boobs- what stupid names they named their kids… You can even see every vacation picture that person has taken in the past 10 years!

Loki: Well yes, exactly! I mean I’m obviously not very good friends with these people that we call each other with news or something. But on fb, you are friends with all these people that you normally wouldn’t see until your high school reunion. I mean, if I see a person at a store that I wouldn’t even say hello to, then we don’t need to be friends on fb. That’s why I went through and deleted a lot of those type “friends.” Then you have those people who constantly ask to be your friend.. and seriously, I ignore their request every time, but I finally just say okay, fine, whatever… and then NOTHING happens once we are friends. Not an email or a wall post… or a “Hello, how are you?” So what do you do when one of these acquaintances tells you happy birthday or comments on a picture? Don’t you feel obligated to do the same back?

Stella: Yes, I always feel obligated! Clicking “Like” is by far the easiest way to return the favor and acknowledge the person. Then you don’t even have to say anything, but you can pretend to be interested in something they did. Let’s see… The last thing I clicked “like” on was someone’s status that read: “Monday... Why must you come so soon??” Why would I click on that you might ask… Well, I’m just a nice person. Or maybe I just agree with the fact that the weekends are always too short. Sometimes you can't explain what compels you to click.

I agree with the fact that you shouldn’t be friends with someone you wouldn’t even talk to in person, but some of the people on there are just too hard to delete. Like the ones who post all of their retarded drunken pictures that you can’t help looking at! Even if the whole time you are thinking how much they need to grow up or how sloppy and what bad taste it is… You still look. Ah, facebook. I hate you sometimes. Much like I hated high school.

Who do you stalk on facebook???

The Classic Black Dress vs. 11 pairs of Sunglasses

Loki: My sister and I are very much opposites. For example, in my closet I still have a little black dress from my freshman year in high school. (Or maybe it’s from the 8th grade?) I actually wore it to a friend's rehearsal dinner not too long ago. I posted a picture of me online wearing it, and Stella just had to let the world know just how old that dress was! Umm… black dresses do not go out of style! Stella, on the other hand, is a shopaholic. I think she hoards things because she felt deprived as a child. She has been on a shopping spree for about a year now anyway. Most of her spending consists of buying new clothes for Bella, which would be perfectly fine except the kid has way too many clothes! I’m not complaining because I will eventually get all of these clothes handed down to me for my Baby Blue. Seriously, I will not have to buy her new clothes EVER. But I do have to admit I have a tendency to hoard some things that are no longer in style. Ya know, in case maybe someday I get back down to my good ole high school size and can fit into those jeans again! I know that idea is rather ridiculous, and I blame that on my mother. We had to have an intervention with Bess... she was saving some real doozies in that closet of hers.

Stella: Our mom really is a hoarder especially when it comes to leftovers. She hates to be told that, but she’ll save things like a teaspoon of sauerkraut or a tablespoon of refried beans like it’s the Great Depression. However, I would just like to say that I don’t think there is anything wrong with a little shopping indulgence every now and then. Sure, I have recently bought a lot of cute new tops and dresses, and I am constantly buying Bella new clothes and toys. And so what if I just cleaned out 11 pairs of sunglasses from my car? If you really must know, I went without shopping for myself for about 3 years after I became a mom! Don’t you feel sorry for me now? I actually just bought a new pair of jeans for the first time in 5 years this past April after watching so much “What Not to Wear” I thought my family was going to turn me into the show. Before I had a baby I worked in retail, and my entire paycheck went towards new clothes. But after little Bella was born I became quite the schlumpadink. And of course, all the clothes I had devoted my paychecks to in the past were out of style and no longer fit my new mommy size. My most recent work wardrobe consisted of one pair of gray pants, three black shirts and some black house slippers that almost looked like ballet flats. Don’t laugh.. they were comfy, and I work in an office with no one to impress! So I recently decided to try as hard as possible to get myself out of the slump and nothing Loki says will make me feel bad about it! She’s just jealous because she’s a mom now so she can’t spend all her money on just herself anymore.

Loki: I’m not trying to make you feel bad..you do look rather cute nowadays. But could you share the love with someone other than yourself? Oh no! We aren’t the same size? Well, darn. Then why don’t you at least share some of that jewelry collection with me? (She has so much of it that half of it still has the tags.) Or why can’t I borrow a pair of sunglasses? I could always use sunglasses! Not even gonna share those with me for the 4 minutes I ride with you in your car? I guess our teenage years really did scar you when I used to steal your clothes and you wouldn’t even know I was wearing them until you saw me later walking around school in them when it was too late to do anything about it...haha! (She ended up putting a lock on her closet door to keep me out!)

Stella: So what are we talking about here? My obsessive compulsive tendencies to buy things or your ridiculous way or wearing things that aren’t in style or fashionable? First of all, you used to steal my clothes from me in high school and then proceed to smoke in them. Several shirts were ruined because of that nasty habit! Not to mention, I still can’t trust you to return things to me in the same condition. I guess it’s not your fault you are so careless and I am! Plus, I just don’t have any to spare. Not a pair to spare! Anyway, if you want to talk about how I like to have nice things then we should probably discuss how you like to just make-do with things. Like how you tore out a piece of your suitcase covering to fasten it as a tank top in between your dress. (I know, it’s hard to even describe how she concocted that.) Or how one time you wore a dress tucked into your jeans as if it were a shirt.. You’ve also tried to use white out to clean a dirty spot on your shirt… You’ve stapled your skirt together when it ripped… And your little black dress from freshman year is and was and will remain to be OUT OF STYLE! Something that you wore back in 1998 cannot still be attractive!!!
Are you saving a pair of jeans from highschool that you’ll never fit into again?

Shower Time

Stella: It seems to me that I am the only person in this office that has a problem with our boss coming to work and showering. Maybe it's because I'm just crazy? (Yes, probably a bit...) But I just can't get over it. Maybe it has to do something with the fact that the shower in the basement is directly under my desk, and boss man Sparky has even told me that while he is in the shower, he can hear everything that is going on above him! My automatic response (in my head of course) was: "Oh really, so you mean to tell me that while you are naked and cleaning yourself you are also listening to everything we are saying? Should I stomp my foot on the floor two times to signal "hello?" or maybe I should just bend down towards the floorboards when I'm talking to better include you in the convo!" Did I mention that I can hear the water running! Next time someone calls in for him I think I should just say, "Sorry, he is downstairs showering. Would you like his voicemail?"

Loki: Dang! I always forget he can hear us when he is down there. What are we blabbering about while he's listening? Last night’s "So You Think You Can Dance" episode or "The Hills" finale? I do believe most of our conversations involve TV shows. Wow, we are lame. Or maybe we are busy bashing our dumb cousin, PlayGirl , and her crazy antics. She's 29, but acts 18 so there's always something to talk about there. Sparky really must be thinking, "What am I paying these girls to do?" He has probably considered separating us and moving one of our desks into a different room. Ugh, could you imagine being in the same room with the Poodle all day?! (The grouchy and "serious" business woman who has this awful, wet permy hair.) But then he probably reconsidered because "Stella brings out the best in me!" He actually put that in Stella's Christmas card one year! He should have just written, "Dear Stella, thanks so much for coming to work here because now your sister, Loki, actually smiles sometimes and has stopped screaming at our agents to shut up and eat their shorts." Well, I guess I deserve that.. my attitude had gotten pretty bad around here. Well, if only Sparky knew what we spend our time doing here. (Actually, he probably knows.) Anyway, back to the subject at hand, I don’t really find the showering that offensive. I mean if he wants to stand in what is surely not a very clean shower than that is fine with me. I try to not even think about him being in the shower.I just pretend he is on a conference call down there.


Stella: Eat my shorts Ked! Nice poodle pic, but it's missing dark eyeliner under its eyes and white eyeliner on top. Oh and 5 layers of caked-on make-up. So here's the thing- I know he comes from the gym so that's why he needs to shower.. And technically this is a house.. But on that note, the shower isn't even a real shower. It's not even in a bathroom! It's the remains of what used to be a shower in the remains of what used to be a bathroom. The room is actually full of boxes and filing cabinets and off to the side there is the few tiles, drain and showerhead... it's right out in the open with no door, no curtain, nothing! It's just STRANGE. Just think if we didn't warn the new girl, ChaCha, and she wandered down there to file something. What a riot that would be! Oh, and I think we talk abut interesting things... I can't help it if we love TV and are related to stupid people. And I can't help it if Sparky thinks I'm wonderful and such a good influence on you. But what else can I say? Showering at work is weird. But he is the boss, and I guess that just gives him automatic showering priveleges. Just like how he takes off every Friday to go to the lake.


Loki: Uh yes, I would like the chance to come in at 10 every morning because I need to go to the gym first and then just get ready at the office. I would then also like to leave for a 2 hour lunch with my buddy at noon. Sigh… I guess those are the perks of owning your own business.


Stella: Yes, when Big T makes it big you ..... yeah, I won't finish that. hahaha


Let's hear it... Are people running around naked at your work too?

Big T's "Big Ideas"

Loki: Have you ever had the conversation about what you would do if you had millions of dollars? Well, Big T and I have this conversation quite often. I am aware that this will probably never happen to me in my lifetime. He, on the other hand, seems to think that it’s just a matter of WHEN this will happen. He would like to think of himself as a genius. However, I do not agree. Sure, I would like him to be a genius… but he is not. He comes up with these wonderful “new ideas” all the time on how to become rich, most of which just sound illegal to me. No, he has never tried to get involved with those dumb pyramid schemes (things like Monavie or Mary Kay etc, that would be my best friend.) So when we first started dating, I really did buy into his elaborate plans. I even told my mother we were moving to the Cayman Islands. I don’t think I even knew where they were-just that it was an ISLAND and we were going to be RICH! I don’t remember what the plan was there exactly, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with slot machines. Obviously, that never panned out as I do not live, nor have I ever lived, in the Cayman Islands. He has also wanted to invest in owning apartments, open a store selling electronics (and compete with Best Buy? Hello!), sell TVs, get a 2nd job doing work with a roofing company, start his own lawn business, open a drive-through gas station, design a baby bouncer/swing, and even considered buying my sister, Stella, a bakery (because I mentioned that one as a joke when I saw a sign on some open commercial space.) And these ideas are all just from the last year people! I can’t even remember all of the other crazy ideas he has had over the years, which I’m sure half of which were concocted while under the influence of alcohol (or more specifically Rumpleminzt, which is no longer allowed in my house.) I try to be a supportive wife and listen intently to all of the things he would like to do, and sometimes his ideas are not just about getting rich. For example, I’m sure my kid will have to have the biggest tree house on the block with a running elevator that he will try to design and build. It’s just the way he is… always looking for something bigger and better. He is a not afraid of working hard and I admire that about him. But some of his ideas just give me headaches. I end up being the voice in his head telling him “No!” instead of encouraging this creativity. But honestly, most of the ideas he has would take a lot of money to start or invest and so far I just haven’t seen anything worth the risk. Maybe one day he will come up with the “new facebook” or something genius, and we will be rich! (Yes, Stella.. I will buy you a house.) Until then, I should probably start working on my attitude and try to encourage him.. Right?

Stella: No. You shouldn’t encourage stupidity. You see, I am what they call a REALIST. I think REALISTICALLY. And in reality, Big T is not some brilliant entrepreneur. Sorry, don’t get mad at me for insulting your husband. But it’s the truth. If it sounds like a scam, then it’s a scam. Much like you, I do wish that he were some genius who suddenly made millions of dollars. Then you could buy me a house, and I could come visit you in the Cayman Islands. And then I wouldn't be forced to marry Sam Bradford for his $50 million! (Which is probably all he's going to ever get, according to lil bro, Batman, who says he will probably get injured within the first year, but could move on to be a professional golfer...) But no, no! Stop the madness. That’s never gonna happen and neither are Big T's dreams of making it big. He should just be happy he has a REAL job and quit farting around trying to think of something better to do with his life.

So what do you think? Should Loki encourage this sort of creativity? Or is this just nonsense?

Estate Sale Bargains

Stella: So Loki, Mom just got on the i/m to ask us if we wear panty hose. "No, mom. Not since I was 12." I think panty hose might be in style in the winter (like the black tights) but no one else wears them unless they are 65. Right? She was inquiring because Grandma keeps bringing home crap from estate sales. Like “brand new” packages of panty hose. Is it just me or do you find buying/using dead people’s old stuff gross? And if I needed something silly like panty hose, I’d just go to Walmart and spend $3 buying some new ones. Maybe when our grandparents die, I will want a small trinket or two. You know, a painting, a glass bowl.. I don’t know. And call me crazy, I especially don’t want a dead stranger’s stuff like a hand-me-down mattress. But now every time we are at our grandparent’s house we have to admire all the new stuff they got from dead ole so-and-so. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve found myself just staring at it in silence while they praise their beloved floral lamp with tassels oddly placed on it for the bargain price of $25!!!

Loki: Yes, I agree.. it’s a little unnerving. However, look at it from grandma’s point of view… that was her sister. So the dead old-so-and-so is not a stranger to her. It would be like me rummaging through your stuff after you die! Except I don’t think I would pay for any of it. I would expect it to be given to me. Well, anything good. (However, I hope your collection of materials are more valuable when you are in your 90's.) But if your Bella and Johnny Jo or say their future kids, Maggie and Markus are hard up for money, then perhaps I would purchase some of your possessions. I always try to borrow your clothes or jewelry (you are an old stingy hag).. so I would expect that I would still want to 50+ years from now. Although I hope I always have a better sense of style than my dear grandma… and not buy 5 different colors of tassels to put on my lamps. I do not want your underwear, bras or your back supports when you die…even if they are still in the “packaging.” We will just throw them in the estate sale for Blondie to buy.

Stella: First of all, it was Grandma's sister-in-law, who she said she didn't even like! So if I don't like you, I probably wouldn't like your stuff either. Whatever. And yes, I do hope that when I am 90 I do have something of value besides some clothes. If I can marry Sam Bradford, then I will just buy you some things while I'm still alive, and you won't have to wait until i'm dead for me to share. Also, I do not think Blondie will ever want anything of mine, especially personal items that we don't even want from other people. Except maybe my child. How would you feel if I left a will leaving Batman & Blondie my Bella instead of you & Big T? hahah. That was a cruel idea. I'd leave her to Mom before anyone. Don't respond to that... You'll just be hateful. And finally, I do not ever plan on naming any future children of mine Johnny Jo or Markus. I'm confused when you start naming off random names of people who don't exist. At least give my made-up children nice names. I just hope Sam Bradford likes the name Maggie...

Loki: Johnny Jo is Bella’s husband and they name their children Maggie and Markus.. duh. P.S. I didn’t want to jinx you and come up with names for you and Sammy's children. And I will not comment on the leaving of Bella to Blondie and Batman. I better be next after mom… that’s all I’m saying. (that was pretty cruel—even for you)

Stella: By the way, Grandma called back and was so mad that none of us wore panty hose or had a size 11 foot. She said we were just plain crazy. Also, when I'm 90, you will be 91.

Who in the world actually wears panty hose? Or maybe you know a woman who has an incredibly large foot in need of some shoes... let us know!

Obsessed Twi-Hard

Dear Twilight,
I want to be able to just like you like a normal person. I wish I could have only read the books once and seen the movies once… Or had the ability to wait until they came out on demand. That way I could have moved on with my life and never thought about you again. Sadly, that did not happen. I am ridiculously obsessed with you. I have read you 6 times… okay, 7 times (alright, maybe 8 times) … Just way too many to admit to and then claim to be sane. I haven’t been able to read you since I had my baby, and I’m afraid I will refer to the time when I was childless as “back when I was able to read Twilight over and over!”

I even read about you daily on other websites and Twilight related blogs. I constantly quote some of these websites like they are my own inside jokes. I can reference you in any given situation or conversation. I own 3 shirts that claim my love for you, and the last time I bought a new one I tried to hide it from my husband.

I listen to your soundtracks all the time. I can replay each scene from the movies or books in my head to every song. “Possiblities” …that’s too easy. “Never Think”- well duh, it’s the background music during the restaurant scene when Edward confesses to be able to “hear” people. I’m actually relieved that not many songs from your Eclipse soundtrack showed up in the movie, (although this really upset Stella.) I hate that if I hear any other random song on the radio I wonder, “Is this how Bella feels?” “Does Edward remember the time when…” or “If Jacob…” (uhh nevermind- I don’t think about Jacob.) Then I force myself to remember that the song I am currently listening to has nothing to do with Twilight and that I’ve let my mind wander again…

I hate that I am weirdly aware of all the other on-going projects each Twilight actor/actress is involved in. Maybe it’s because I pretend like they are my friends. I even talk about them that way.. “Did you hear what Rob said the other day?” or “I cant believe KStew wore that!” I read or watch all of their countless interviews even though, let’s face it… they all say the same thing. Every interviewer asks the same thing, but I still find them so entertaining that I have to pass on the information to anyone who claims to be a Twi fan.

I don’t like having this obsession. It weirds me out and quite frankly, it scares my husband Big T. You know, the real husband. Not the pretend one, Robward (Robert Pattinson/Edward.) Maybe this obsession will wane once people stop writing about you everywhere I look or once I quit seeing your face on my TV telling me that I can go see your movies AGAIN… And I’m already going to have to wait until Christmas before the next DVD can be in my hands. Until then, I have to cope by reading other people’s opinion of you…

Obsessed Twi-Hard,
Loki
Dear Twi-Hard Lover Loki, Much like you, I did enjoy the Twilight books. But unlike you, I have only read the books once (and that was 2 years ago.) I have found that this has allowed me to engage in Twi-conversations with you without being overly obsessive about the people who pretend to be them on screen. I have a few questions I would like to ask you (or any therapist would for that matter..)

1. How much time do you devote to all things Twi-related? Do you write letters to fictional books/people often?

2. Do you secretly wear your Twilight t-shirts at home when Big T is gone and find yourself running to change when you hear him pull into the drive?

3. Do you see other human beings at the grocery store and wonder if maybe they are vampires or werewolves? (If so, do you think anyone we know is a potential candidate to be an immortal?)

4. Have you ever had a paper cut and tried to suck the blood from yourself just to see what it’s like?

Please be honest and open. We’re all family here.

The sane Twi-lover,
Stella (GO TEAM JACOB)

Did you answer YES to any of the above? Show Loki some love. She needs the support.

Nursing Education

Stella:I have the most precious 3 year old daughter in the world. What can I say? Like all moms, I think everything she does is extremely entertaining and wonderful. It is precious when she bounces her baby dolls and insists that we change their outfits from pajamas to "day clothes" every day. But ever since she has seen her Aunt Loki nurse her little baby cousin, she insists on nursing her baby dolls too. "That's so sweet" you might say. I mean, if you know anything about 3 year olds they love to mimic everything they see. But what about when they pretend to be pumping milk for their baby dolls? Doesn't that cross the line as a little bit weird? Are you supposed to look at her and say, "Aw, she's just imagining that she's pumping milk into that bottle she's holding underneath her shirt? That's precious!" No. I think that's strange. It's also creepy when she tries to lift up my shirt and nurse again because she wants to pretend TO BE the baby. So thanks Aunt Loki. I just hope my poor little Bella is not scarred for life. Loki: Well at least she doesn’t try to nurse me! Although one time I caught her sneaking down that way when I was holding her. I think it’s funny. I’m sure my child will do the same thing when she is 3 years old too. I thought I’ve always been covered up when I pump so I don’t know how she figured it out. It is complicated having to pump/breastfeed. I definitely think formula would be a lot easier. One time my nephew was over and wanted to help feed the baby. I said “Err.. Im not feeding her with a bottle. Sorry…” He asked how she ate then... I think I picked up a toy and tried to distract him, which worked for like 30 seconds. He saw the baby under my shirt and asked "What is she doing under there!!!". So at least Bella is educated.

Stella: Well, I can’t disagree with you there. It is my goal in life to share as much womanly education as possible with our little brother, The Man Child. But he is 19- not 3. He knows everything there is to know about pregnancy and breastfeeding. That way, he is prepared to deal with any woman and his future wife WILL THANK ME! Why do you think our sister-in-law, Blondie, has Batman (our other bro) eating out of her hands? ME!

Loki: Seriously? You are taking credit for Blondie and Batman? You didn’t train Blondie. She must have had some other training—because I surely didn’t see THE EX following you around like a puppy dog. NOR do I have Big T trained that way. Seriously, she must spike Batman’s coffee in the morning. It’s disgusting really. Or are you saying that you educated Batman to listen and give your wife WHATEVER she so desires?

Stella: That’s exactly what I’m saying. Why would I want to take credit for her behavior? No! I am saying the only reason she can get by with her behavior is because our brothers have seen ALL KINDS OF CRAZY thanks to ME! She can act however she wants and it will be nothing new to him. In fact, he might even appreciate her emotional mood swings a little more because he will think to himself, “thank God they are not as bad as my sister’s.” So I am owed much gratitude for my training and teachings. However, I did not teach those boys to be whipped puppy dogs. P.S. Please don’t refer to THE EX in any subsequent posts. The words alone make me want to vomit.


What do you think is precious? Your ex? Breastmilk? Training your brothers in the ways of the world?

My Sister the Stupid Hater

Loki: My sister refuses to do anything that she deems as stupid. She just says no. Which is probably why her attempt at a part-time cake business did not go so well. One customer wanted a Mickey Mouse themed cake for her 11 year old daughter. She told her she was busy because she thought that was the dumbest cake idea for an 11 year old girl. Our boss' 7 month old baby watches that show. (HOT DOG HOT DOG HOT DIGGITY DOG)Another customer wanted a 3 tiered birthday cake for her husband. Stella's response, "No. I'm not making that cake. No man wants or cares about getting a decorated 3 tiered cake for his birthday. I'm sure most men can't even tell you what their wedding cake looked like. That would be a complete waste of my time." This is probably why she stopped making cakes for other people altogether...
Last week our boss Sparky asked us to write a "SWOT analysis" for our job. You know the human resources ploy to get you to focus on what you could be doing with your work. Sparky sent us his own answers already and wanted us to come up with our own "Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats." But Stella thinks this is stupid because most everything about our job is stupid. Personally, I just think it is just to give us something to do. Stella could easily make up her answers and just turn something in. She is creative, and even I have the brains to come up with some spiffy replies to my strengths and opportunities (most of which are just to work on being nicer to the grumpy old men I have to deal with daily.) But NO. Stella thinks it is STUPID and a waste of time to analyze her job so she never did it. I turned in my answers already (like the good little employee I am- haha) but she refused to do it. Today Sparky asked her where her "homework" was so she starts sending me messages asking me what dumb answers I wrote down in her feeble attempt to participate in the stupidity. After trying to think of answers for 2 seconds, she gave up and stated "They can just fire me. I'm not doing this. It's stupid." Yes, the SWOT analysis is dumb, but hello! You have to do dumb things sometimes. You can't just go through life refusing to do everything that you think is stupid. Or can you??!
Stella: Today I think you & this blog are stupid. So guess what- I'm not going to do it.


Who said we have to go through life doing things we don't want to (besides our mothers) ?? What's your take on it?

Meet Loki & Stella

We are just two sisters who happen to work together in the same office together. Hence forth we shall be referring to ourselves as Loki & Stella. (These are our very boring aliases that happen to be dog’s names.. Yes, we spent half the day trying to come up with something clever, but alas. Dog’s names. And the best thing we’ve come up with so far was the “Hence Forth” proclamation…) Anyway, we sit less than 3 feet away from each other in this little house we call BH, aka work. Half of the time we are so bored we end up bantering back and forth with each other instead of doing actual productive work. And most of the time, it involves ranting about our family, our 4 fellow co-workers, the stupid things that happen at work or the other blogs we are busy reading… We thought it would be fun (or give us something to do while we sit here and count down until 5 each day) to blog about our wonderful work day together. So we will see how long this lasts. We might just end up doing nothing but fighting over our writing styles (because Stella will meticulously correct everything Lokie writes..) or maybe we will get caught and get fired from our beloved job!


Don't you think we look like two sweet little dumplings here? Act like it's the 6th grade and introduce yourself to us now!