Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Inner Workings of TMC

Stella: The Man Child is back by popular demand to discuss the important matter of furniture. Except he has nothing to say about furniture, he says as I read this out loud to him. Therefore, I have asked him to share with us something that he does have knowledge of... which is stacking boxes. Stacking boxes is an important job for the young man child.... It teaches him valuable life tools. Oh wait, he just said that he won't discuss his profession with me either, which leaves me nothing else to discuss but his love life or lack thereof.
So, TMC how's the search for your future wifey going?

TMC: I'm going to kill Stella. (He says to me snickering to himself while I transcribe this for him... This is followed by more laughter & then some head scratching. He starts looking up and down at his phone a few times, texting someone... but I can't see who because he angles it away from my view as always. Then he peers down to see what I am typing. He laughs at what he sees and then begins to text some more. He pretends that I am not looking directly at him or waiting for his response. The smirk remains on his face the whole time... Ah this is getting boring.. more texting and a scratch on his nose... now rubbing his teeth. Ew, I saw a line of spit stick to his fingers. He turns his head completely away from me now to look as if he's watching a repeat of SNL on the t.v. but that doesn't last long. He quickly tries to see what I'm typing about him..) STOP! (This is the one other word he has said thus far as I wait for him to narrate to me his reply. He scoots away from me and glances back & forth from the tv to the computer as he knows I am still rambling away about his every move.)

Stella: So... That was definitely interesting. I can see why all of the fans love to hear your perspective on things. Let's continue this stimulating conversation. Are you sure you don't have any thoughts on furniture??? Popsicles? Stevie Wonder?

TMC: He's blind, they're good, and I don't care. (Speak, I urge him... ) Well ,the search is ongoing. I have many prospects. None of which I shall share with the family, which means they aren't really prospects at all. (Alas, he talks!) I don't really go anywhere but home... And work... And there are no good looking girls there. So the place is very bad hunting grounds. I think I need to go to school, but I do not really wish to go. The only reason I would go is for the ladies. Instead I think I will go to my best friend's party in a few weeks... just to try to meet some women that are actually college age. (Well, he's gone back to texting now... more scratching...So time for my reply.)

Stella: A party, eh? Parties are not the place to meet women. Any woman of good stature will be at home baking blueberry pies while reading the Bible... not going to parties. Indeed this is what I spend all of my time doing... Okay, maybe not when I was 19. And I'm not really a big fan of pie either.

TMC: I don't like pie myself. (He states to me, as he pushes his glasses up and caresses his chin hairs methodically moving from one side to the other... He chuckles at my description of him... lounging on the couch beside me snuggled up in a white blanket... white beanie, black t-shirt and sweat pants...) Thanks for telling everyone what I'm wearing. I'm sure they're all dying to know what great fashion sense I have. (Well, what else was I supposed to say as I sit here waiting for you to say something instead of being glued to the tv/phone?)

Stella: Hey, these are the things ladies are looking for. A man who can dress himself & groom himself & pick up after himself. So far you have not met any of these qualifications. We haven't even discussed your lack of skills yet...

TMC: No, no.... don't write that! Shut up! (Then he gestures to my face that he's doing to strangle me!) Stop it, I'll talk.. I'll talk. Just erase that. Where would you like me to meet girls, Stella? Where do you think I should go? I do not have any skills. My skill is unloading boxes, which will someday get me the job I want to make a living... to support a family. Which is my goal in life. Now, my second goal (which is also part of the first goal) is looking for a woman. Now I would like this woman... (...he can't concentrate to finish this thought as Britney Spears is on SNL now.. He still just stares at me as he has completely lost his train of thought.) No, we are not putting that in there! Take that out! (Then he gestures at me again that he's going to grab me..) I'm going to hurt you! Ugh! (He gives up on trying to convince me to erase that last bit..) Back to my train of thought, I would like this woman to be pretty... with good values.. fun to hang out with... the complete package! Now do you know of any who might fit this description? Also, bear in mind I also prefer a woman who is shorter than me, which will doom my children to shortness, but I don't want a mate that is taller than me. (Okay, I added in the word mate myself because I think it's funny...) I also don't mind a woman who is a little older.

Stella: Whoa, whoa. Slow down there fella. You will definitely need to re-vamp that criteria. You will most likely end up with a woman at least 3 years your junior. I don't know why but I like when people say things like that... "he's 3 years my senior..." Anyhow, your prospective match that is out there lurking in the world somewhere is bound to be at least a few years younger than you. Younger women will find you more appealing and maybe even funny. You should try to work whatever magic you have on them... they will be more naive and will delight in having found someone "older." hahah

TMC: So what? I should go stalk the highschools??? Nope. I just haven't met the right girl yet. That is all. And I believe that almost everyone believes I am funny. Because guess what? I am funny. I am also (he waves his arm to make his point... and chuckles as he strokes his chin hairs again) a very handsome man. I also hate this inner monologue you are doing... (he instructed me as he continues to pet his face.) I've been total multiple times that I am much cuter than my brother... And I have nothing to add to that.. I just wanted to say that. (He says this last part with a sweeping of his hand... grabs the phone again but all the while still looking down to see what I am saying about him...)

Stella: Is that Halle Berry now? She looks nasty. Oh wait, we aren't writing everything I say out loud on here. So back to business. We must come up with a few more skills for you. What else can you do? Numbchucks? Remodel a bathroom? Install brake pads?

TMC: Yes, I can do that. So suck it! I am very skilled at numbchucks as well as I went through a ninja phase in my childhood. ie, Ninja Turtles, Three Ninjas... And as far as remodeling bathrooms, I have a father that I am sure could help me. I bring many things to the table... (He crosses his arm and begins to talk poetically about himself.) I am very skilled in the art of music trivia... movie quotes.. and other things about movies etc etc.. I have what they refer to as "entertainment value." (Yes, still using the retarded poet voice...) I am very entertaining. Let's just put it that way. So... What other things do I need? Cute, entertaining. What woman wouldn't die to have this? I also have a tattoo... (He laughs at this one and looks down to admire his ink.)

Stella: Wow, well that just says it all. I am afraid I have nothing else to add that wouldn't be insulting or detrimental to your self esteem. Thank you for joining us TMC and if you would like I could take a vote with the fans to see if they would prefer your name to be changed from The Man Child to The Unicorn. Hahah. (Which is a male Twilight lovers per Loki) TMC is already shaking his head and saying no as he reads this idea. He is quite embarrassed by both titles. I bid you ado. Now let's turn the tv back up so we can actually hear what they're saying now. Goodnight & have a pleasant tomorrow.

You know whose a man? Me.... I'm a man.


  1. WELLLLL, according to THE MAN CHILD'S (I vote we keep this name) description of what he's looking for in a mate I have the PERFECT MATCH! Although I can't say a specific name out of consideration for others, not to embarass anybody. Maybe he should go help out with the youth group at church to find the young one Stella is talking about.... instead of stalking high schools and parties (a girl with "good values" will not be attending) , he could go "help" with the youth group and stalk there!

  2. ManChild, I must say I fully agree with Saucy and Stella about finding your future mate at a party. Unless it's a youth group party perhaps. Haha! You are too young to be getting married anyway. You should live a little first. Go get a tattoo or something...oh already have!!! And cougars just loooove tatooos. That's what I hear anyway. But no really. What's the rush? God will bring you little Mrs. Man Child when the time is right. So don't be desperate or settle. Take yo time! And what movie is that quote from??? I am a quote junkie tooo!

  3. Curls, Isnt the man child the same age you were when you got married? haha

  4. hahahaha thats funny! I didn't think of that! I think he's actually a little older...

  5. Curls got married at 19??! Oh how I forget these things. But the real question is how old was Golden Boy or whatever you call him? 29? This means that The Man Child will have to wait 10 years before he can sweep this younger girl off her feet.

  6. P.S. Do you think I can still meet a man at a party/bar? Don't you think Mr. Perfect "with great qualities and values" will be there? ha. Just wanted to complain about being single while we were on the subject.

  7. Um yes I was 19 when I got married but I am a GIRL. It's DIFFERENT!! Lol. ManChild's future "mate" could be 9 years old right now!! And no I would recommend NOT looking for Mr. Right in a yucky bar. Better to be single and super then married and miserable:) Unless of course you see Sammy there...$$$$ Cha-Ching...(Not that money will make you happy or anything)But.....:)

  8. I don't necessarily love tattoos.