Racism Reversed

Saucy: I spent a majority of my junior high/high school years wishing I was black…. or African American. I wanted to be black so badly and resented the white skin God had blessed me with. My mother was the only one who knew this secret wish of mine, and as you can imagine she did not understand. After all, throughout school you learn about how mistreated blacks were and how they were always the minority and what not. I confused my mother, and when she informed Curls of my desire, she was confused as well. Why would I want to be black? Whites are the dominant, most envied race. So why you may ask, did I want to be black for a good portion of my life? Let’s start with basketball. I played basketball for about 7 years, and that is when it all began. No matter what team it was, if you put your best white player and best black player against each other, the black girl will win. She will naturally be more athletic. And when I played school ball, the coaches thought it would be amusing to play me as a post player (the person that's supposed to be tall so they can stand under the bball goal to get rebounds.) So you can only guess who I was trying to out-jump and rebound against?? Black girls. Since I wanted to be a star at basketball for several years, of course that is when my dreams of being black began.

It all escalated from there. The older I got, I started branching out in the music area. Instead of just country, I started listening to Beyonce, Ciara, Ashanti, and other black artists. Well, I always wanted to have a beautiful voice, and no one can belt it out better than the black girls. And not only that, but they have RHYTHM!!!! Hello, I had to watch these music videos of perfect hip and belly movement and rhythm to the music, and I can barely clap my hands and sing at the same time. So that was that.

And when I got into high school my upper lip became a huge insecurity for me. I don’t know who else but me notices this, but whenever I smile, my upper lip vanishes. I probably shouldn’t have revealed this because now whenever you all see me and I smile you will have your eyes glued to my upper lip waiting for it to disappear ….. So I have this lip that goes away and black girls have huge plump lips. They will never need lip injections. So there you have it! Another physical trait to envy! Not to mention their butts. Even Choc Chip will agree with me that they have junk in the trunk that is envied by many.

Curls: Resented the white skin??? Hahahahahaha!! That's funny! I hate to burst your "I'm a cracker so I can't dance" bubble, but I have seen you move. And there are some dark-skinned sisters out there who wouldn't be able to hold a candle to your jigginess. I've only known 1 AA in my whole life. Her name was Patty, and she always made me laugh so hard I thought I would throw up. I mean uncontrollable hysterical face numbing laughter. It was painful. Saucy dear, if you had lips like a black girl then dad would make fun of you. He'd want to throw you up against the wall to see if you'd stick to it. And let me just say all those singers you mentioned are soiled doves. Or ho dogs as Choc Chip would say :) You should have better role models for yourself....Let's see....how about...hmmm...geez....I can't think of ONE entertainment superstar that I would want to mimic.....Maybe Carrie Underwood...but then again she was on the cover of that ho dog magazine Cosmo girl or whatever. Bad witness!!!! But who am I to judge?? Ok. Back to the original topic. If I had the grand opportunity to swap my ethnicity I would definitely be Asian. They are so cute!!! I've decided that Asian would be be preferable because I could never find cute junior girl clothes when I was 11-16. I got all of my height and "body mass" waaayyyy before all the other girls in school and had to shop in the WOMEN'S DEPARTMENT! I was mortified!! And I forbid our mother to ever use the word B-R-A. We had a code word..."Thingymajig". I would go to school and see all these perfectly fashionable Asian girls with there long luxurious straight black hair and wished I could be Asian too. They are always smarter than everyone else. A stereotype? Yes. But is it true? YES!! There was a girl named Ho (Haha! For real) in my algebra class who had the prettiest hair ever!! She was different than most Asians at the high school. She laughed and smiled a lot. If it wasn't for Eyes of Blue I would never have made a good grade in that blasted class. Asians are smart, thin, and controlled. EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS IN LIFE PEOPLE!!! And I really like Japanese food too. Orange chicken is my Favorite!! And Mulan is my favorite Disney movie!! Da foo do foo da Oiy Oiy.

Saucy: See! Take Patty for example! She was HILARIOUS! Black people are funnier than me too! All this talk of why I USED to want to be black is causing me to want to be black again….. But I think “Redneck Romeo” would prefer I stay white. Mandisa is not a soiled dove. She was on American Idol (if any of you can remember) and she is black and she could really sing. She didn’t become very successful, but that was because her choice of music. (she is heard on klove) Hows THAT for a role model? I am confused as to why you want to be Asian. I already have a physical Asian trait. I forgot to mention that when I smile, my eyes disappear along with my lips! My whole face just turns featureless and moosh! I do agree that they have good healthy hair though. But then you would be obligated to give me pedicures for the rest of your life! Hm... sounds good to me =) You should start practicing! They are also extremely smart. I think every valedictorian speaker at graduations is Asian. But I would much rather excel in athletics and skills than academics. Therefore, I will remain pro-black. This isn't to say I envy EVERY trait of black people. Like their smell. I do not, and never will envy their smell. Black people stink. And Choc Chip will be appalled that I actually wrote that, but I'm not trying to be racist in any way. But it's a fact. I still remember a few years back me and Curls took a shopping trip to Penn Square Mall. Well, while riding up the escalator Curls sneered her nose at me and quietly whispered "it stinks" and all I said was "all black people stink" (knowing that the reason for the uncomfortable smell was the black woman right behind us.) Well, Curls face turns into a horrified expression and right when we exited the escalator she darts off and leaves me. She sprinted to the other side of the mall! I’m surprised I found her! And to this day I’m quite confident the black woman did NOT hear my comment. Curls is convinced otherwise.

Curls: I suppose bantering is all about giving your honest opinion. Our readers today shall fail to be disappointed in Saucy's EXTREMELY honest description of a certain race's "scent". And yes darling. Mother will be horrified. We'll never get to be guest banterers again. And I hope only white people read this!!! Sheesh! I DO recall that lovely outing to the mall. And here is my recollection (People tell me I have a great memory). So Saucy and I are going down the escalator. I am in front of Saucy facing her (so I see a black woman right behind her) We are just yada yada -ing and I, with my overly sensitive hound dog nose, pick up on an unpleasant aroma. I say "What stinks?" This innocent question sparks something in Little Saucy's uncontentedly white brain and she just looks at me and blurts out with an inquisitive expression on her face (very LOUDLY if I might add) "HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW BLACK PEOPLE STINK??!!" I promise you that poor lady heard you unless she was hearing impaired. Which it would stink to be deaf but at least you don't have to listen to silly little chicken honky girls telling you they think you stink like a cow. That was a major run on sentence. Oh well. This is recreational. Not english class. So yes, THAT is the true story of how it went down. And Mandisa is successful! You are automatically a success when you are recognized by just one name :) You know Saucy, It's a good thing you aren't Asian because you would never be able to give birth naturally. Asian women are just too narrow. Although after the baby is born they probably look like they were never pregnant to begin with.

I am glad that we are not all white. How boring would that be? I was convinced that when I grew up I was going to marry a good-looking mexican man. Goldenboy is good looking and tan. That's as close as it gets to Mexican.
Saucy: Mexican Cowboy wasn’t it? Or Mexican Rancher? Well Anyways, It’s obvious you and I have separate memories of that day, because the lady did NOT hear me. You just ran off like a chicken. And even if she did hear me, she knows it’s true. I wasn’t TRYING to offend anyone or be mean. I was simply stating the facts. I wouldn’t be offended if I was riding an escalator right behind a black girl and she said “have you ever noticed white girls aint got no lips or hips!” I would just hang my head in disappointment, knowing she has only stated the truth. I wouldn’t mind being Hispanic or Latina like Jennifer Lopez, she’s real purdy….. I wouldn’t mind being Indian like Pocahontas either. She can run really fast, and she uses resources from the earth, and she had beautiful long hair too! I guess I can wish and wish my unpigmented skin away, but if will forever and ever remain.

TELL US: IF YOU WEREN’T WHITE, WHICH RACE WOULD YOU BE??