Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Fighting Techniques

Loki: Have you seen that new show 'Whitney' being advertised? It is funny because she talks about not giving your man the silent treatment when you are mad because really that is just what the man wants. I do this often. T and I will get in a heated discussion and after going in circles we stop talking altogether. Then I speak to him as little as possible the rest of the night and perhaps the next day too. I think this is punishing him but I fear it only keeps me angry. It is the next morning of me giving the "silent treatment" and I just don't think stomping my feet and screaming is going to work either. Do you give the silent treatment? I think that is just what the men want...for you to drop it. Drop whatever it is you are arguing about and go on your merry way prentending everything is fine. Bleh..MEN

Nana Bess:  ugh! I am afraid you get this from me! :(  I used to give your dad the silent treatment ALL THE TIME.. like everytime we got in "fights" over ususally something so silly.  My feelings would get hurt and all I wanted was an apology of some sort. "I am sorry".  But your dad KNEW I was mad and thought that the "silient treament" was me being mad and he left me alone.  So I could get over it and move on.  I don't get over things until they are hashed out and there is an end to the arguement and an "I am sorry"  "I love you" ANYTHING.

Loki: Yes thats what I am saying! And then the minute I start talking to him again...this usually happens because I have a need to speak to him about something mundane so then he assumes that the fighting period is over. And then again nothing is resolved. Don't worry your problems don't just go away...the next time you disagree about something than the old subject will be brouht up again. Big T actually said to me that he has heard this same argument time and time again and apparently I am not coming up with any new material. So until I do he no longer wants to discuss it. Which is rubish because when I have 10 good points and he only has one (which is dumb anyway) how come he wins?

Nana Bess:  I used to be mad for days.  Then I would cave in... start crying again ... or just let it go.  Eventually I learned that the silent treatment ONLY hurts me.  You are right.  It is good to hash them out.  It is hard to hash stuff out with someone who won't hash them out back with you!  This is another problem I had.  I had words words and more words.. point 1, point 2 and point 3  I am so good at communicating EXACTY how I feel, that I think I overwhelm your poor father, who is not a "wordy" man.  What do you think non wordy men do when wordy women throw too many words at them?  They just don't say anything!  UGH!  How can you FIGHT with a silent man?  That is more frustrating than being the silent one!!!!

Loki: T (I can not keep calling him Big T...it is just getting weird) likes to run away from me. He leaves. Which I get is a good point. This is something we learned early in our relationship because if we didn't take a break than it just esculates into something nasty. The problem with this so called break is that he never comes back and says "ok let's discuss this again". Bleh. I am just trying to explain my feelings and I feel like it is very clear and that there should be some sort of compassion or understanding or some kind of acknowledgment that I just poured my heart out and that I am struggling or whatever and then.....SILENCE. HELLO!! I am speaking to you! Oh my gosh do you know who else does this? Stella. She shuts down and is silent too when you start arguing with her. Drives me bonkers. I am a yeller and a screamer...I don't know how to be silent.

Nana Bess:  This is what I do now.   I get mad and let the man know my feelings. (with out yelling or whinning, which is extremely HARD to do).  Then I get over it.  I don't expect him to tell me HIS feelings on the subject, because I have learned over the years, he just doesn't have the words to express himself or he chooses not to.  Whichever.  I just move on.  It is the hardest thing to do, but alas.. it is the only thing to do! My only constalation is I have let HIM know exactly HOW I feel.  I am and always will be an open book.  JUST ASK! ha/ha.

Loki: Consolation mom...not constalation. Thats like a group of stars or something in the sky. Sorry I just had to. Between us two I am sure Stella would have a hay day trying to edit this masterpeice.

Nana Bess:  ha/ha... yeah yeah.. whatever the word is..you get the point!  I do often use the wrong words or spelling of words, but I know those who love me understand what I am trying to say.  I got a laugh out of that one myself! :)  And, btw.. I am sorry you, too have a non-wordy, lets resolve things man.... I feel your pain.. but look at me.. 29 years nearly later and I am still here and able to love and live with the non-wordy man! :)  (and yes.. Stella does do this, but I think it is good, because if she shuts down like that it is her way of NOT exploding.  I think that is why your father does it too.  It is really a good thing.  Silence vs explosion.  Maybe it is the same reason Big T walks away!

Stella: I am not even going to try. But it's CONSTELLATION, you fools

What is your fighting technique OR do you prefer to look at ducks in the sky?


  1. I prefer to look at ducks in the sky haha, who picked that closing question??
    Hm....Well with the father of my bambino, I prefer Silence as my fighting technique which works quite well. He keeps texting...and i keep not responding haha. Now with Beard boy or whatever we call him, I will walk out of the room because he gets PLEASURE out of a good debate....With Ma & Pa, I don't do the whole silence thing so well

  2. I'm close to being in your boat, Bess and Loki. My man will discuss/fight/argue/ignore. It depends on his mood I suppose. I HATE the silent treatment! I hate to give and I hate to receive. It's just plain dumb to me. ...let's live here together in the same house and pretend we don't see each other! D.U.M.B.
    Oh, I got a HUGE laugh out of the whole constellation thing.

  3. Hello! Did we all fall in love with the quiet silent type? Because they listened to us so raptureously? Yes. I too of course used to be sient when I get mad. (obviously I passed that trait on) And my Dad never argued with my mother, and I never won even if I did have a response. So, I left it to my sister to argue and scream and cry and I hated the drama. After I becaume a Christian and learned you weren't supposed to go to bed mad...I attempted many times to do so. Difficult. And Mr Mechanic used to irritate me just so I would clean...which I also do when I get mad. I don't just sit! I guess he figured it out. After 25 years of non-communicating I finally realized I better focus on what I did love about my husband and I started to explain how it 'hurt me' (key word here) when he said something and me being so sensitive I got instantly mad. Then he tells me what he meant and I'm silly to take things so personally. I've also written him letter about my feelings..which I don't think he comprehends because he doesn't have them so can't figure out what upsets me. (But it makes me feel better for having written all that stuff and then even I am amazed how sensitive I am because he never really means to offend me - he's a guy for goodness sake.) I won't even allow him to set his head on his chin when we're eating out, because I tell him people will think we're just old and married and bored with each other. (Even if we are I don't want others seeing it) He just shakes his head now and moves his hand away from his chin. Once the kids left he really was more responsive because I wasn't so busy with the kids coming first. I mean, my parents divorced after 27 years of marriage so I was on guard not to do the same things. Alas...I am chatty like my Mom so it really worried me. Last thought: any time I'm hurt its more about me feeling 'less than' someone else. It's a low self-esteem thing and I just want my husband to treat me like I'm special. Of course I can't complain now because he does and we're nearing the 50th mark. Praise the Lord. It wasn't our doing for sure.