Monday, November 15, 2010

The Dating Game

Stella: I know you all are thinking... "Will you please just get married & have a baby so we don't have to listen you how you are a single mom and you'll never find another man again and how pathetic your life is because you'll never be able to hold another precious child in your arms either?" Sniff, sniff, sniff...

I know, it's depressing right?! But here's the thing.. I am not good at dating. In fact, I don't think I even know how to date!

"But, Stella... You were married? How can this be?" you might say.

Well, let's just say my previous experiences of dating included me driving 45 minutes to hang out with some bum in his apartment while he played Playstation games with his friends & drank beer. (I told you all 19 year olds were dumb including myself, but what can you do about it now?) Even after I was married to the previously mentioned bum, we still didn't go out... EVER. I think we might have stepped inside of a restaurant together for a birthday or something... But I don't think we ever went to a movie together... We might have left the house to do something.... but I just can't think that far back to remember. The point is I have no experience other than sitting around on a couch watching tv, (which I'll admit- I am very good at but I don't think this is going to help.)

Sure, I don't drink from the bowl like the Beast. I know how to pick up a fork and eat without food running out of my mouth! And I am pretty sure that I could sit still long enough to watch a movie without the distraction of having to get up to wipe my daughter's bottom or multi-tasking during the show (changing Barbies outfits... admiring the outfit... changing the outfit again.)

But making small talk? Yikes... What's there to say? Do they want to hear about the cute concoction I came up with for Barbie to 'go to school in'? No. Gee, what other interesting thing happened during my day? "Can you believe I did another 3 loads of laundry?" Hmm.. That's a stimulating conversation right there. Maybe I should share what a low life my ex was and how this is the first time someone has actually taken me to go bowling? Oh no. That's just sad, sad, sad and I'm pretty sure you have to avoid mentioning the ex for fear of scaring them off right away. I'd just have to pretend I was a mute. Like Ariel... Ahhh- but then I'll just come off as boring! But if I try to just talk and "be myself" then I take the risk at coming off as way too opinionated and sarcastic... (Which I am, but aren't you supposed to pretend to be a nice, kind person to strangers in order to give a good first impression? And does that qualify as lying to them if you really aren't always nice & kind? Because I'd rather be rude and honest than a liar...)
Then there is still the problem of finding someone to even go out with! Not to mention, the whole problem I have of being intimidated by older or more attractive men. I mean, in all honestly I'd rather be with a man who is slightly less attractive than me. That way people would say "why is she with him?" rather than "why is he with HER?" I don't see anything wrong with that... And surely the odds are that most single, available men at my age are going to be unattractive in some way or another. The attractive ones are always taken anyway (and if they aren't, then there is usually something else wrong with them... ie, manwhores, committment issues, baby momma drama etc etc. )

(Side note: I love how on that movie "Invention of Lying," the woman would never date the chubby fat man because he didn't have the genetic qualifications she was looking for... and she didn't want her children to be chubby with little stub noses. This really has nothing to do with me as I just stated that I would settle for less than perfect physical features, although I'd really prefer them to be just 'healthy' rather than 'chubby' or 'skinny.' If they were chubby then I'd worry that I'd bake too much and he'd turn into a fat, obese man and I'd have to worry about his health and hag and nag at him about everything he eats like Bess does sometimes... and that just drives me mad. And then if he were too skinny like say, Big T, I'd worry that I wasn't feeding him enough & that everytime he went to the gym he was just working off all that food I just fed him and I'd constantly have to be shoveling things in his mouth so that my hips were at least smaller than his.... GEESH!)

I also don't like people who are older than me. I'm not saying they are too old, but rather I am too young! I automatically assume that anyone older than me would just look down on me with unapproving eyes. "Oh, you are just a measly uninformed 26 year old... What do you know?!" they would say to themselves and then let out an evil, superior laugh... Therefore, if I am at least a little bit older than I feel much less intimidated. I've never really thought about same-aged persons so that might be a tricky one. They would probably fall on one side of the spectrum or the other- too mature or too immature. If they are too immature then they are already out because they lose potential to be a good father/spiritual leader to young impressionable Bella. (Plus, how have you NOT grown up by now?!?) But if they are too mature, then they are probably fall into the too intimidating category. Hahah. What a quandry.

Loki: I was going to interject somewhere in there, but you were on a roll and I wasn't going to muddy it up with my comments about dating. Personally, Big T and I haven't dated as of lately and I don't think you get nervous about dating unless it's new. Then it is awkward... I didn't really go on formal dates with boys that I didn't already know. It is much easier when you already are friends with them. Don't take any advise from me though because I wouldn't want to date either. I think it is nuts that you let older, mature men intimidate you. I think that it is because you still view yourself as a shy, 16-year-old girl, not a woman of 26 who has already gone through alot of life.

One word of advice: definitely do not speak of the ex on the first date. You may say that you are divorced, but I wouldn't go into all of the details at first. You would scare that poor fella off because you would probably get very angry trying to explain everything and your nostrils would flare... Then you might end up punching the table in your rage and knock off the water glasses. (He would know at this point not to mess with you though!) Or you might end up crying because you are so angry and that would be awkward for any suitor! Maybe you should start off going on some double dates. That would let you be more yourself, but maybe not as harsh. haha You aren't really that harsh and can be quite nice at times.

Stella: Ha. Double dates? Those would be even MORE awkward. Because then it's like a group interview. You are there with the boss and his top two managers... No thanks... Even if you take a couple of your choice, then HE is the one that has to pass the test and if he doesn't get along with my twin sister Betty Lou & Mr. Green then he is definitely OUT! At the same time, I would have to try to be charming and witty in front of 2 people that both know I am neither charming or witty... Unless maybe there is alcohol involved, although that doesn't ever make a good first impression. And then Betty Lou would surely scare him off herself trying to tell him she's a flight attendant from Guam or something outlandish like that... Because she'd know it'd make me laugh, but then I'd have to try to explain me & my best friend's weird sense of humor to him, which can be hard to do to outsiders. Even her husband, Mr. Green, has to pretend to be amused at most of the tales we want to share with him... But that's why we would have to bring Mr. Green along (so that we appear sane & normal) who I've thought about hiring as my own personal Public Relations Representative. Maybe I could just send him out on dates for me... bahaha

I'd rather there really was just a short screening process before dates (as opposed to sending your best friend's husband out for you.) You know, you could exchange each other's files and know what's in there beforehand. I'd include a short, brief summary of the ex and all the things he should know and then I wouldn't have to make a fool of myself trying to summarize the 7 years of horror I've endured over a glass of chardonne. Oh wait, no alcohol... Anyhow, in the man's file there should always be a similiar summary from the ex wife/previous gf. This document would have to have some sort of seal that indicates it has not been tampered with. It's only fair that you should know the woman's side of the story as I would never trust the man to tell it all truthfully himself. (Is this why people stoop to dating online? Yikes. I'd rather not meet potential stalkers for a fee.) Well... I guess I am just supposed to keep praying for some man out there to show up that wouldn't mind a difficult woman or a 4 year old that never wants to brush her teeth and who might like playing with the Ken doll for a change (because my pretend man voice just isn't very good!)

Okay, have fun on your date with your husband tonight... I will enjoy my brownies & popcorn and movie on demand while your baby sleeps on my lap.

Ever been on a blind date? Tell us your dating horror stories!!!


  1. I had 2 blind dates in college. They were just like a typical blind date. One was with a shorter guy who wore glasses. We were both cordial but no communication after that. (the funny thing is years later he moved to my small town-married a local girl and joined our S.S. class.. but we never talked about it, I'm sure he did remember) He's moved on now though. I went 7 years without dating (although had been asked by 2 people, but turned both down). That's why I am a big believer in being "set up" as I was at age 27. I'm racking my brain trying to come up with a suitor for Stella, but the only people I know are past students of my husband and most of them have moved out of the small town where I live, nor do I believe Stella wants to move out of the city where her family lives. But yes, always believe and hope and dream of the one that GOD HAS FOR YOU. Until then, we'll keep praying.

  2. Well, decided I needed to quit skulking around in the background and let you guys know how much I love reading your blog. Yep, you usually make me laugh out loud, particularly when I'm working in the church office. By the way, if you ever figure out the dating secrets, let me know so I can pass the information along to one of my kids. And yes, I'm not cool enough to have a fake name as I comment ... but I DO have a picture. That ought to be worth something! :o)

  3. 7 years without a single date? This is not comforting news...

  4. Two friends of mine in HS had a flat in MWC. Two guys changed the flat. For 'payment' they said you have to go out w/ us. For some reason, they agreed. Weekend comes along and they have another friend that needs a date also. So, this is where I come in. We decide my name is Genevieve. I'm from Austria. I can't speak English. I get upset when I see an airplane by the airport and cower down in my seat. My 'cousin that I'm here to visit' says, "They are bombing her country!" Stupid, I know. But they guys were even more stupid, because they seemed to believe. We go to Casa Bonita and I can't read menu. I took off my shoes and put my foot on table and said, "toes?" Meaning potatoes. I swing a huge pendant necklace over the table and chant some strange grunts and words and then eat my tacos (my 'cousin from the US of A' orders for me because they don't have potatoes) We eat and discuss going to a movie. My 'date' says, "she won't understand the movie unless there are captions in her language." I get tired of being quiet and just listening to English that I 'can't understand'...after much laughter and silliness I decide enough of this! So, my 'cousin' offers everyone gum and I say, "No thank you, I have my own in my purse." The guys all just look at me with Neanderthal expressions and my date says, "you just understood and spoke English!" I said, "yeah, I know. I'm from Mustang also" They felt dumb and blah, blah, blah...they took us home. We laughed and laughed and told everyone about it. Nana and Choc Chip..I think you both know this story. It was Roberta C and Darla S with me.

  5. Also went on blind double date in Bristow. His name was Claud. He was old! Like 22-23 I think. I was 16. My friend and I giggled like 6th graders the entire time! He was NOT impressed w/ me! It was a short date. Sonic and driving around the lake, I think. Then 2-3 nights later, he was killed in a car wreck. It really bothered me for a long time. I didn't know him. I didn't like him (in that way). I knew I'd never see him again anyway, but I knew I was his last date and it just bothered me.

  6. I'm impressed that Diana has a picture. I think I was wrong Stella, 7 years between kissing. I do think I had creative dates (group dates) and 2 dates the summer of 95 and so that would shorten my drought of dates to 3 years. Hope that is a little more comforting!

  7. Hooray- a comment from Diana! Who will obviously not have an alias as she has her own blog! oh well! :)

    Cougar- I think if I ever go on a blind date I would want to pretend to be from Austria as well. In fact, this may be the solution to my problem...

    Small Town- This isn't helping any... In 7 years I will be 33 years old... with an 11 year old.