Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Not Lovin' It

Stella: Dearest Loki, I would like for you to nominate me for the 'Humanitarian of the Year' award for saving 3 little puppy's lives...  That's right. Me. You have probably already seen the great work I have done in rescuing the 3 abandoned pups or read it about it on facebook. Because if it weren't for the kindness of my heart, they would probably not be alive... You see, I am often plagued with the guilt of being an animal hater. And normally I would like to say that I am always a lover and never a hater, but when it comes to hairy, wet, smelly, annoying pets my heart is just two sizes too small. And so maybe it was this guilt that overcame me when my mother, Patsy, and I ran past 3 stray little pups out in the snow. (I like to call my mom Patsy when we are running.. and especially when she is lagging behind.. Think "Monty Python"..) Anyway, this was one of the nicer weather days and we were so excited to venture out of the house after the big snow storm (with another one already on its way.) There was no way to avoid running right by the dogs that were stranded in the road. It was obvious these little suckers were starving to death and had been left here...Their ribs were sticking out and of course, they started hyperventilating at the sight of us, even though we probably just smelled of fresh vegetables..

Anyhow, I guess that unconsciously I decided that this was how I could make up my debt to all animals that I had always hated. We allowed the dogs to follow us up the hill for the remainder of our run.. Which means we didn't throw rocks at them and kick them away. But unfortunately, we had just begun our run. So the starving little suckers had to run 2 miles before we made it back home. haha. I thought that part was funny. Meanwhile, as we jogged up the hill Patsy & I began to make up names for the little beasts... Heba, Beatrice and Keesha..If there's one thing I do love- it's naming pets. So long story short- since the dogs didn't collapse or kill over before we made it back and survived all the way to the front door, we fed them. Then being the thoughtful person I am, I took some pics of them and put them online. Thanks to my dog lovin' best friend, we had 2 offers for 2 dogs within I don't know... 2 hours? It was crazy. (Her caption read something like this: "My friend Stella who hates animals rescued these dogs...") So off the 2 puppies went. Just like that. Off to a new home with wonderful animal lovers and warm fuzzy blankets and bountiful dog food. Now, that should be the end of the story. What a heroic thing to do, Stella. What a gal! Cheers! Cheers!

But no. The third dog received no offers and since it was about to snow again, we brought her inside the house. It was then that we discovered one of the other dogs, (Beatrice, I believe,) had hookworms. Talk about DISGUSTING. It was then that I suddenly remembered why I hate dogs. They are GROSS. Just GROSS. We had to make sure to keep my baby Bella away from the entire dog area and to bleach often. And when I say we, I mean poor Patsy. But I had to refrain from doing laundry until it was nice enough to put the dog out and sanitize the area! So that was a huge sacrifice on my part. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic. I am really not that heartless.) But just knowing creepy crawly little worms might be contaminating the floors... Shudder....

So what I discovered in the end about myself .... was that you should NOT try to go out of your way to do nice things for stray animals either. Just like the volunteering conundrum. We still have Heba, (who Bella has named 100 different things and currently insists her name is Ivy,) and since we have no prospective home for her the only thing left is a trip to the animal shelter. Now, don't you feel bad for her? I do... almost.

Loki: Oh Stella! Smelling of fresh vegetables you were surely to attract all kinds of wild animals. I am super surprised that it was you who rescued the animals and not Nana. Didn't Bess rescue cats to keep around the house even though her husband and children were allergic? Remember when Bella asked if Pop could go to heaven now so they could get a cat?! haha That makes me laugh. Kids say the darndest things.  Anyway, I think you have started to rub off on me. I no longer love dogs the way I used to. Big T still treats Boomer like one of the kids and it makes me want to vomit. He is a wonderful play toy for Baby Blue and she loves him so I let him stay around but other than that...I am tired of vacuuming up black dog hair out of my white carpet. I did like how Bella was well versed on how to avoid catching hook worms...that you could pick it up on your bare feet so everyone must have their socks on.

Stella: No, that wasn't my doing. You have a child now. A REAL ONE. Plus you were never a huge animal person. And yes, Bella is a sponge. She absorbs everything. Speaking of the darndest things... we watched the Discovery channel a few weeks ago and watched all these animals giving birth. Really interesting, but probably not the best idea for Miss Observant to see it all. She can already tell you that in order to have pug puppies we're going to need a mommy dog and a daddy dog. And she loves to tell people about when our dog is wearing a diaper during her lady cycle. Gross. (Another reason to dislike dogs.) So anyhow, the other night she's playing with her stuffed animals (which we call "stuff-tys") and she sticks one down her britches and says, "Look Mom. I have a baby (pug, tiger, I forget now) coming out of my vagina." I said, "That's not very lady like. Take it out." And she says, "Don't some babies get cut out of their mom's tummies and some get pooped out?" I thought it was very strange she had picked up on 2 delivery methods, but between her educational animal viewing/ and Saucy & Loki having C-Sections, I guess she just figured it out. But before I say anything she retorts, "Mom, will you still love me if I'm not a lady and say vagina?" Lovely. (The Man Child seriously freaks out when she says this word even though it's the proper name for the anatomy.) I tell her to obey and then she asks me, "Why does Pop always say "if you love it, why don't you marry it?" So the little mind had already moved on... and I didn't have to think of what was appropriate to say next to the 4 year old.

Lover, Lover, Lover, you don't treat me no good no more...


  1. OH how funny! I loved everybit of this. I to am not an animal hater, but I haven't any warm cozy feelings for them at all, and can't bear the thought of anything with hair sitting on my furniture or walking on my carpet. Ewe!!! Now, saying that, I hate to go to the Zoo and see animals stuck in a little cage. Its so sad. I especially hate the Rhinosaurases.( Gee, don't think I spelled that right). They are in a little bitty cage and their horns are rubbed all the way down from trying to get out. So sad. They should be out on the open plains in Africa. Kudos to you Stella for going over and beyond and saving the lives of three little puppies. Oh.....and Thank you for not offering one to me! Ba ha ha ha!

  2. Choc chip-- you will be happy know that the rhinos are now in the old elephant cages at the zoo. (which I always thought were a little small for the elephants.) Our zoo has built a brand new spot for the elephants so the rhinos get to stay in their new homes...that is very open for them...the insides however are still those creepy little cave dwellings.

  3. HA! I laughed and laughed! Loki.... you said that 'V' word when you were small. You had new panties and wanted to show them off...then you offered to show more! HA!!!!!!!! You were 3-4. Bess will remember better. As for you, Stella...you risked showing yours when you went comando!!!! Ha...you two are funny and guess what? You've produced funny kidos!

  4. Oh Stella!! I do believe it's "keel over" NOT kill over. SHAME SHAME. This ones for you Loki oki poki!!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!