Sermon Notes

Stella: Getting distracted at church is just too easy. Especially when you sit next to your sister. Yesterday was even harder because we sat by ourselves without our mother in between us, like we were grown adults or something... First distraction, the lady who SHOUTS during the worship time right behind us. Okay, just because your husband and daughter SHOUT into the microphone doesn’t mean you should try to scream at them from the back pew to the front of the church. We get it. Sounding awful runs in the family. Second distraction, the old lady in front of us wearing a checkered dress that strangely resembles the new dress Loki is wearing… haha. Sorry, Loki, your “picnic table” dress is cute, but it was the EXACT same pattern (only her dress was from 1980.) Last week the same old lady had on a fabulous matching pant suit so I definitely think Loki should get one of those too… Third distraction, the preacher talking about Catholicism and Loki and I laughing about having to go into a confessional… Then trying not to bust out laughing as Loki scribbles on her paper, “Forgive me father for I have sinned..” and then “I have had impure thoughts…” And then my reply (of course) was, “Say three Hail Mary’s and you are forgiven.”

Loki: Seriously! I never remember that there is a reason why we should move up a few pews until the singing ensues. It’s usually not as bad when I can focus on my mother’s singing instead. But yesterday, I had no such distraction. I really have to fight the urge to turn around and stare her down. Especially when she sings the WRONG words. God can move THE mountains not just A mountain. I think we sing that song too much because I remember a couple of weeks ago she kept making the same mistake. I heard it in her voice… “Oh, oops it’s “the” not “a”… but I’m going to continue singing the wrong words… and maybe if I sing loud enough my family can hear me in the front!” Maybe SHE should just move to the front of the church because it is very hard to concentrate. I enjoy some good people watching as well… And it’s just so easy to do in church. I know that it is really bad so I try to concentrate on the sermon and then decipher what they are really trying to say to me.. Hmm... Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell us the underlying point/lesson and not just wait until the very end?

Also- in the movies why do people always confess to having impure thoughts? Like that’s the only sin that is ever committed...? I wonder if priests keep a tally book. You know to send out updates at the end of the year to the congregation of the most committed sins for the year. “This year, 85% of you had impure thoughts, 65% of you lied, 30% of you coveted thy neighbor, and 2% of you committed murder." So really, what happens if someone confesses to a murder to their Catholic priest? Is it like confessing to a therapist? By law do they have to report it or are they under some kind of doctor/patient privilege?

Stella: Yes!!!! The Annual Sin Index Report… Didn’t you see the latest edition? Hahah. And what is wrong with that lady? Doesn’t she know God can move more than just one mountain? Hello! At least we don’t sit behind the elderly couple that rubs each other’s butts during worship anymore or act like they’re about to make out at any second. Doodling flowers, hearts and your name over and over can’t even distract you enough from that kind of nonsense.

Loki: Ewww! I don’t know who you are talking about, but I'm so glad I have not witnessed it! Although, I have witnessed some overly affectionate people in church because let's face it… church is so sexy. What is up with the urge to doodle during church? It's like all of a sudden, if I have a pen & paper in my hand, I feel like I am in the 10th grade again. I always write my full name and date at the top right corner of my sermon notes every time. (Except my last name has changed so that always messes me up.) I also seem to not recognize as many people as I used to at church. Stella and I decided we could sit on the opposite side of church and people would think we were guests. Maybe we should sit on the other side next time.. you know, to connect with our “church family." Whatdya think? I could pretend to be a famous folk singer down from Nashville for the weekend visiting my Aunt Mae.. (I will be sure to wear the “picnic table” dress and boots to add to the character.) And you can go as my assistant. (Wear your black secretary skirt, ruffled pink shirt, and glasses of course!) Or we could pretend to be from Britain… I've been working on my British accent (so when I meet Robward, he will think we share hometowns!) Then we will have to come up with a new back story but it could be fun.

Stella: It's only fair that for every time you mention stupid Robward, I am going to talk about Sammy. And here he is at his first big boy game.

PUT ME IN COACH! Please!!! I gotta earn this $50 million cuz I'm a good ole boy with good ole fashioned morals! I PAY ATTENTION during church!!!

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