Legal Documentation Required

Stella: Last week at work I literally had to sign my name on a paper plate. Why? Because my boss (the old man Plugs) was rummaging around in the basement and found that there were specks of food on the microwave and a shred of lettuce in the sink. Being the hyperactive insane old man with OCD that he is, he started throwing a fit about it. He must have just grabbed a paper plate and began scribbling on it. I couldn’t tell you the nonsense he wrote- information about the sink and when it was built and basically how we are not to ever drop a crumb anywhere if we want to continue to be allowed to use the appliances at work. Then he paraded around the office making each employee sign the back of the paper plate acknowledging that they had read this very important document.

This wasn’t the first time something like this has happened.. There has been the “Trashcan Incident” which is when Loki left her heater too close to the trash can/bag under her desk & Plugs freaked out that she was going to burn the whole place down. Then there was the “Splenda on the Counter” incident in which someone opened a Splenda packet & a few sprinkles were left on the counter by the coffee. We received a big fat notice on the cabinet ranting about how we aren’t going to be allowed to use the coffee machine if we don’t clean up after ourselves. The fridge, microwave and sink are constantly being scrutinized as well like we are little children. (Oh, and this is a picture of what our microwave usually looks like until Plugs puts on white gloves and skims it for crumbs.)

THEN on Friday, Mrs. Public Relations (aka PR) went outside to smoke & caught the flower pot on fire. Plugs just happened to show up (like all retired people who don’t know how to stay at home) & freaked out (as we knew he would.) The secretary ChaCha just had to dump a small glass of water on the burning cigarette and flower to put it out, but of course Plugs had to start quizzing us all on our fire safety skills and is in the process of trying to get the fire department to come out and help us practice using fire extinguishers.

Loki: Didn’t you know that it’s a privilege to use the kitchen and a privilege to drink coffee? I told my husband, Big T, about this and he said, “It’s a privilege to get to eat?” Yes, apparently when you work at BH, it is a privilege to be able to warm your toes, drink some caffeine, or use the microwave. I’m surprised we don’t have to pay a toll to use the restroom. It really gets on my nerves. I have been fortunate enough to be out of the office during the last two rants so Stella had to endure the speeches from Plugs on her own. And it really doesn’t matter who is actually responsible for such incidents because it always falls on the younger ones, which is me, Stella, & ChaCha. Nevermind the fact that Poodles was the only one partaking in the coffee drinking during the “Splenda Incident” or that PR is the only one who smokes. We are the only ones that have to listen to him rant about how old this building is. Yes, we understand.

There is also a note above the kitchen sink declaring that if you so happen to clog this sink then you will pay the plumber fee. I will take the blame for the lettuce particles. I’m real sorry about that.. I must have missed a scrap! But seriously, don’t we have a cleaning crew that comes EVERY DAY? And what about Sparky? Does he have to clean the shower down there? Maybe he should write a letter or grab a paper plate (Was he so livid that he couldn’t take the time to find a piece of paper? Like how hard is it to get some paper? There is paper laying all over this place!) and write to the cleaning crew to do a better job! Umm… and is this paper plate a legal document? Where will ChaCha be filing that? And what happens if he finds some more food downstairs or if one of us spills 2 droplets of water on the ground? Will we get fired? Then what would we say at our next job interview? “Uh, I was fired for leaving a sugar packet out on the cabinet….but I’m a really good worker!”

Vote now. Should Loki should sneak some of her breast milk into Plug's coffee? Or should she wait to be fired over not turning off her lamp?