Our Seinfeld Family

Stella: I’ve asked my brother, Batman, to be our 2nd guest banterer for today’s post because we’ve started calling my sister-in-law (his wife) “Jerry Seinfeld.” You might not understand that because she’s not a man… she’s not Jewish… and she’s not a comedian. But she dislikes people for the same strange/picky reasons that Jerry does, who is notoriously fickle. Now, don’t get me wrong…Me & Blondie have this in common. Sure, some might call this being a snob or being too judgmental of others (but we probably don’t like those people anyway.) Maybe we should just call this having standards… Like would you like a girl that called your sunglasses “Coach knock-offs” in front of you? Or pranced into a room full of only boys & you (a girl) and bellowed out, “Ugh! Where are all of the girls?!!” What?! I don’t count as a female? Batman says writing this blog is playing with fire. But I think Blondie has a point. I mean, I don’t want to be friends with a horse-mouth either! Or someone that WAS a cheerleader! (But that’s because Blondie was on pom & cheer and pom are NOT the same thing. Do not even suggest such an idea or you will have to listen to why they are different!) Or someone that’s in a small-town college sorority... And hello! Jerry dumped girls for even less than that… (ie, She’s a low talker... She’s got man hands! She’s a two-face…. She eats her peas one at a time! She’s a VIRGIN!)

Batman: Yes, my wife is Jerry. But let us remember that our family is more like the Seinfeld characters than any other family I know. Just start at the top of the family tree. Evs is just like Kramer. Can you not just picture him moving & acting like Kramer does when he is trying to be "funny”? Have you seen the man dance! Or what about Ev’s "philosophies" & ideas? Have you heard him speak of his invention of "Underwoose" (the self-containing fart smell britches)? Compare this to Kramer's oil tube invention (that he dropped on top of Jerry's girlfriend out of a building…) "Well, HELLO!! LA LA LA!" Even his attitude towards our overrated college degree reminds me of Kramer when Evs told me that “it's just a piece of paper." Kramer also tried to convince George to leave the hospital after he thought he had a heart attack and needed his tonsils out- like it was no big deal. "You got to get out of here, George.. They'll kill you in here!” George eventually turns purple because of the holistic healer that Kramer takes him to… Just like our college degrees will eventually turn purple or gold. Just meaningless…. "That's golden Jerry, gold!” Yes, my wife is Jerry Seinfeld, but for very acceptable and good reasons. Low talkers and slow movers need to know about their disabilities so that they can try to improve on it.

Stella: Well if we are going to talk about who everyone else in our family would be then I must say that The Man Child would mostly likely be George… "Lord of the Idiots." Bahaha. The Man Child lives at home with his parents (like Georgey-boy) and tries everything possible (like playing Frogger all day) to get out of doing actual work. He probably could be intelligent, but he’s too lazy! And let’s face it, he’s in love with the bathrooms, like our dear friend, George. He’d probably pretend to be handicap just to have his own luxurious poop space (and so I wouldn't publically write about it anymore.) But maybe he'll make a fortune from the i-Toilet like George later did in Curb Your Enthusiasm & I'll regret saying such things… Because he is a grudge holder!

Batman: The Man Child actually works more than you btw at his employment. So no, he doesn't get out of doing actual work. Let's talk about you, big sister Stella (or whatever your fake name is.) Your character would have to be Elaine and solely based on the way you act. Did you ever notice how Elaine pushes everyone all the time? Well, you have taken it a step further- you throw things (which is kind of like your pushing.) There is always that other reason you are like Elaine too- The Dancing. With the THUMBS STICKING OUT!! ha ha. And you have passed your knowledge of dancing on down to your little daughter. Which is very thoughtful of you. And you also steal other people's ideas. "You stole my Jesus fish!” "That’s right, blah!!!!!!"

But continuing on, NANA BESS, or as I like to call her, Mom, is MR. PITT. HA, There is just something about cutting up a candy bar with a knife and eating it with a fork that just screams Mom. Maybe it's her pet peeves of eating chips directly out of the bag... Also, Mr. Pitt staring at a picture for hours at a time just reminds me of her and how she can stay on a subject for hours at a time. Which don't get me wrong- neither is a bad trait.

But what about me? The Batman. Who am I? I will tell you who I am. At this point in my life, I am George. But actually only George of a few episodes... Like the ones where he pretends to be a crippled and has a wheelchair that he uses everywhere. I am not ashamed to tell people that I, BATMAN, have a mechanical wheelchair that I ride around in my house, based on the fact that I cannot walk on my own two feet. I love that thing. How else would I be able to get my food to the living room without any hands when I am home alone? It's a life saver. The old lady down the street has one too, and we raced the other day. Boy did I kick her butt. I was celebrating when her husband came out on a decked out wheelchair, this thing looked like the show "pimp my ride" pimped his wheelchair. He started chasing me (oh haha, chase me chase) (or uh, batman) down the street like he was going to get me. I barely made it back home. I was lucky he didn’t have torpedoes in his pimped out ride. anyways, this thing is getting out of hand. I’m just making things up now.. Back to you, Ron Burgundy.

Stella: I don’t know why you would say I’m a bad dancer or steal people’s ideas. Sure, I’d most likely be Elaine but probably only because she’s HILARIOUS! And she’s a copy editor so she’s intelligent. And she's assertive!!! Nothing wrong with that. Sure, Elaine has a tendency to get angry with almost everyone… “I’ve lost my fiancé! The poor baby!” “Maybe the DINGO ate your baby!” And she ruins all of her friend’s ambitions by being blunt… (Like throwing George’s toupee out the window. “I don’t like this thing! And here’s what I’m doing with it!!!!” ) And she gets paranoid about things like having a big head (big nose in my case)… But he was just a bad breaker-upper!

Also, I see Evs more as Frank Costanza than Kramer. I mean Frank invented Festivus for the rest-of-us! AND THE BRO! I don’t think you have any similarities to George other than the wheelchair. I’d compare you more to Jerry, observing the chaos around him & making witty jokes the whole time. I mean, Batman can’t say anything without NanaBess laughing at it like he’s hysterical. "But I don't wanna be a pirate!" But that’s about it too. I don’t know who Loki would be either. She watches the show and gets mad if you tell her she’s not a fan because she can’t quote every episode like the rest of the fam. So let’s just call her Mulva… eh, Dolores. And her husband (who doesn’t even like the show) would have to be Puddy. “Yeah, That’s right…” What do you think Batman? Am I insane? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?!!!!

****Batman has since lost interest in writing anything else for this post. Let's remember that he probably made more of an effort & put as much thought into this as he did for any of his college papers. So nice work, Batman. I give you a C minus.

What do you think we left out?